an Israelite

we just had the most. awesome. week. last week. 

our dear friends, elizabeth, and the pulver family, drove almost 24 hours to come see us, and it was as much as a vacation for our family as it was for them, even though we stayed close to home.

eli's heart was full. rock climbing. talking about what he's been learning. the hopes and dreams God has put in his heart for the future.

the kid's hearts were full. skipping school to jump on the trampoline with their buddies. hiking with their buddies. roller skating with their buddies. skate boarding with their buddies. playing Wii with almost no restrictions with their buddies. and eating easter candy until they were almost sick with their buddies.

my heart was full. eating out at all the yummy places suburbia supplies. staying up late to play games and talk. introducing newer friends to old friends. spending easter with my buddies. living life beside people i love to live life beside. sharing our dream of our adoption.

last week, my heart sang words that echoed moses and the isrealites as they exited egypt. exodus 15: 17-18, "you brought them and planted them on the mountain of your heritage, the place where you live, the place you made, your sanctuary, master, that you established with your own hands. let GOD rule forever, for eternity!"

today i am again an isrealite.

as our first payment for our adoption looms over us, i find myself asking like the isrealites in numbers 20:4-5 "why did you haul this congregation of God out here into this wilderness to die, people and cattle alike? and why did you take us out of egypt in the first place, dragging us into this miserable country?" 

i tried to muster up some faith as eli and i prayed together last night. i tried to remember god's faithfulness to us with every financial difficulty we've ever encountered. 

but i still felt discouraged. like the timing is all wrong. like i should wait until we've saved up some money. like i needed to DO something more. i gathered up toys to sell on ksl. i started the process of becoming an ambassador for a company that helps people make money off of others generosity (and really cute stuff). all the while hating myself for doing it. then the guilt trip began. i shouldn't have eaten out last week. i shouldn't have taken my daughter on a date and bought her new summer clothes. i shouldn't have signed ALL the kids up for soccer. 

how can i go through the easter holiday, basking in the fact that HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD, the miracle of all miracles, and yet not believe that he will help us find the money to adopt two desperately needy children that he desperately loves? in my mother's words, "i-yie-yie, lindsay."

head and heart please meet.