relationships
as i gaze into the next year, i definitely feel a year older. a little stiffer from battle scars. walk more gingerly into relationships. my tongue moves a bit slower, and my judgement of others recedes in light of my own shortcomings and failures.
my hearts still breaks over relationships that must span half a continent, and sorrows over relationships set aside in my own city. yet hope springs, for i have found joy in fellowship with some i would have never met, had not some been lost.
dreams
dreams that once dominated my thought life, sit as though they are a plant on my kitchen window sill. wilting slowly until one of my mundane daily rituals brings them into focus. they gently receive a enough sustenance to keep them alive. within hours they perk up, bright and green and glowing. and ever so slowly, they again begin to wilt and the cycle begins all over. i don't have enough energy to do much more than that. perhaps one day, i'll repot those little plants into a big open field where they can grow and spread as far and wide as they can. i will fertilize them and water them and make sure they enjoy time in the warm sun and they will thrive with the care. but for now, they need to sit and survive the winter.
growth
the word "understanding" comes to mind. empathy and compassion are hard to muster up when you have never walked the path of those who are needy of it. pain that can't be spoken, can only be experienced, and solely be eradicated by the HEALER, bears scars that beg to give comfort and encouragement to those in the midst of hurt and suffering.
identity
i have spent lots of time thinking about identity in the last two years as i have experienced so many shifts that i can hardly relate some of the past with the present. i have claimed identity in CHRIST, but in truth, my flesh feels like it need something else. i struggle with this constantly. part of me begs to identify myself AS something, and part of me says, it's all a costume you put on...know your true identity.
kiddos
its probably not a good night to write about those guys. they were sent to bed in frustration and i prayed AT them. i'm sure many of you can relate. "help baylee be nice....etc"
trying to set that aside, here are beautiful things i have noticed developing in them this year.
riley-self motivated and responsible. ever wish you had a kid that you never had to ask, "did you do your homework?" well, i've got one.
rae-hospitable. this girl can out-plan me on a party (including doing all her own baking) and would do it every night if i let her. she makes sure everyone is included and serves for all she's worth until only family members are left in the house.
for lack of time and creativity, let's just say the other two are so sweet...when theyre sleeping.
i know this post probably sounds vague and cryptic and maybe even cynical , but there is still a lot of scabs on my heart that aren't quite done healing. theyre itchy and im not ready to talk about them, not because i don't want to be open, but because i want to say things that build up and not tear down. experience has taught me that there is a time to share and a time keep your mouth shut.
i thank those of you who have loved us unconditionally this year. a good friend once gave me this little thing...and i love it because it's so true. good friends bring great joy.
love, hugs, peace, and bed bugs
